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Family Health Magazine - Fall/Winter 2003

Coping with Loss During the Holidays

The holiday season is especially painful for anyone who has suffered the loss of a loved one. As a nation, we mourn the loss of those who perished a little over one year ago in the tragic events of September 11, 2001. In private, individuals cope with a variety of personal pains. Loss takes many forms; it can be the death of a family member or friend, the loss of a job or the end of a relationship or marriage. Whatever the circumstances, we are especially aware of loss during a season that is supposed to bring us joy and peace.

“The holiday season is the greatest time of emotional difficulty for anyone who has suffered a loss,” says Reverend Thomas Craig, a Protestant Chaplain, and Director of Pastoral Care Services for Saint Barnabas Medical Center. “Memories of childhood traditions come flooding back and people are sorely missing the past. They tend to either isolate themselves or become overwhelmed trying to recreate all of the old rituals.”

Since nothing can ever return us to the time before a loss, Rev. Craig recommends that people create new traditions or revise old ones. This could mean a change of location for the holiday events, or even the incorporation of a new activity. One family who suffered a loss chose to plant a tree each year as a way to remember a loved one. Another family created a ceremony of lighting candles. 

“The challenge is to remember the past, not run from it,” says Rev. Craig. He cautions those who are grieving not to isolate themselves or avoid the holiday. Having some sort of celebration, even if it is scaled down, is “much healthier.” 

Other recommendations:
  • Share your feelings with a good listener, counselor or clergy member. Saint Barnabas Medical Center offers an eight-week Bereavement Support Group for individuals and families who have lost loved ones in the past year. For information, call (973) 322-5015. Several support groups are also offered for individuals with cancer (Cancer Center at Saint Barnabas, (973) 322-8405); cardiac problems (The Jaqua Foundation Cardiac Rehabilitation at Saint Barnabas, (973) 322-8789) and infertility (The Institute for Reproductive Medicine and Science at Saint Barnabas, (973) 322-5356.)
  • Ask for help. If simple things like shopping and meal preparation feel like an effort, you should speak with friends and family and ask them to assist you with these tasks.
  • Focus on those things that truly matter. Perhaps by taking comfort in the spiritual aspects of a holiday, grieving families can find renewed strength and comfort.

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