Dear Parents,
In this day of DOT COMs, I think we all judge the importance of something by how many web sites are associated with it. Well, in fifteen short minutes on-line, I came across no less than 30 web sites devoted to "grandparents."
Grandparenting issues are as varied as grandchildren. The easy ones deal with subjects like traveling with grandchildren or how to build a great tree house. Serious issues, such as custody, visitation, divorce and substance abuse, are extremely difficult.
The first thing we must agree on is that grandparents are "neater than sliced bread." Everybody could use a dose of boundless grandparent love. Imagine you actually get a chance to do a job all over again, a job that took you 20 or 30 years to get right the first time. Now, hopefully, you get to do that job with more money and free time on your hands. AND, you get to do it without the 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week responsibility that parenting entails. A friend of mine explained the joys of being a grandmother like this, "It is just wonderful. You get to buy the expensive dress-and be considered terrific-because you do not have to pay for braces or dance lessons any more." This is a chance to see the world with a fresh set of eyes and to be wise enough to appreciate the wonder that you see.
Do not just make time for your grandchildren; make them a priority. Baby-sitting might not be your style, but having quality one on one time is very important. Imagine having another chance to do things for the first time: going to the zoo, building a sandcastle, putting a train together or having a tea party. If you and your grandchild live far apart, visit as often as you can, and be pen pals, phone pals or even e-mail pals.
Grandparents face special problems in these days of a divorce rate of nearly 50 percent. Dr. Lillian Carson says: "In divorce, the grandparents are often the forgotten casualties." Do not let your relationship beforgotten; it isn't worth the price you or your grandchildren will pay. Work toward maintaining family bonds in spite of the hurts and differences that led to the divorce. You can help to accomplish this by fostering communication with the in-law parent. Do not let your grandchild see you take sides or hear you speak negatively about the in-law parent. In the sad case that you find yourself barred from seeing your grandchild, consider consulting a lawyer. Many states now have grandparent visitation laws. Try to have grandparent visitation rights included in you child's divorce decree. Make  this an opportunity to teach your grandchild, as well as your adult child, to cope with hurt, change and disappointment. Remember that a parent's job never really ends, it just changes.
Should you find yourself in the position of raising your grandchildren, Do not lose sight of the fact that experience is priceless. The experience life has taught you is invaluable and you are a wonderful person to raise a child. Remember that you are not alone. The 1997 Census showed 6 percent, or 3.9 million children, to be living with their grandparents. There are many experts to help you do this right again. Talk with your grandchild's pediatrician, schoolteacher or counselor. Several web sites and books devoted to this issue are:
Web sites:
www.aarp.org
www.thirdage.com
Books:
Grandparents as Parents: A Survival Guide for Raising a Second Family, Sylvie De Toledo, et al
Raising Our Children's Children, Deborah Doucette-Dudman, Jeffrey R. Lacure
To Grandmother's House We Go and Stay: Perspectives on Custodial Grandparents, Springer Series on Life Styles and Issues in Aging, by Carole B. Cox, editor
Remember that 50 years from now, no one will care where we lived or what kind of car we drove. But, to be remembered as having made a difference in the life of a child is magic.
JEANNE K. WEINTRAUB, R.N., M.S.NCOORDINATOR OF AMBULATORY HEALTH
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