by LAWRENCE B. LAVEMAN, M.D., FAAP
DEVELOPMENTAL PEDIATRICIAN,
SAINT BARNABAS AMBULATORY CARE CENTER
The United States has the highest divorce rate among Western nations.
In the 1990's, it was estimated that 40 percent of all American children experienced a parental divorce. Divorce can have serious psychological consequences for children.
The Nature of Divorce
Divorce is not a simple, isolated event, but an ongoing process that exacts change in the psychological, social and economic lives of children. Divorce often begins with an acute disruption involving high conflict between parents. The next stage is one of transition in which the initial upheaval has diminished and family members reorganize, developing new routines. The final stage is reached when the post-divorce family establishes a stable lifestyle.
Many factors influence a child's post-divorce adjustment, but the single most critical factor is the level of post-divorce parental conflict. Studies have found that the more openly hostile the conflict between the parents, the greater the psychological damage to the children.
 Children of divorce need permission to love and be loved by both parents. Chronic arguing places children in the middle of their parent's disputes and interrupts many of the normative psychological tasks of development. Such conflict alters parent-child relationships because the needs of the parent assume dominance over the needs of the child. When this occurs, security gives way to anxiety and the child's sense of well-being dissolves into feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.
Children tend to adapt more easily when they have an idea about what is happening. If divorce is imminent, researchers agree that it is best to tell the children right away. Not telling children from the outset increases the chances that they will be told by the wrong person in the wrong way. Difficult as it may be, it is usually best for the explanation to come from both parents. This approach lessens the chance of one parent blaming the other and demonstrates that the parents can work together for the best interest of their children.
Parents should make it very clear to children that reconciliation is impossible. Children need to hear and understand that they cannot rescue or restore the marriage.
Emotional Reactions
Children may exhibit a variety of emotional reactions to divorce:
- Denial and Silence
In denial and silence, the child closes his eyes to the situation.
He may appear to be unconcerned with the divorce because he
is defending himself against the loss by pretending that it has not
happened. His indifference may mean that he has found
the disruption too great to accept.
- Regression
Because of her inability to master the new anxiety, the child may return to earlier stages of development during regression. She may begin to suck her thumb, wet the bed, speak baby talk or display other earlier behaviors. Children may complain a lot and insist on adult attention.
- Bodily Distress
Bodily distress expresses itself in physical and behavioral complaints such as: "I have a stomachache!" or "My head hurts!" Bodily distress often results when the child becomes unsure of things that he has previously taken for granted, such as parental love and protection. o Hostility and Guilt Hostile reactions include angry acts and feelings that arise as the child tries to remove frustration through revenge. Young children frequently have feelings of guilt because they believe that they are responsible for causing the loss.
- Panic and Confusion
Panic and confusion often result when children are expected to adopt their parent's differing values. Parents must permit children to feel their emotions. Avoid telling children not to cry. Tears are a natural expression of sorrow and a safety valve to relieve emotion. Just as parents should not encourage the child to repress tears, they should not prod him to show unfelt sorrow.
Signals for Concern
The difference between a normal reaction and a distorted one is not in the symptom but in the intensity. Signals for concern include:
- problems getting along with peers;
- learning difficulties;
- withdrawal;
- inconsolable crying;
- sustained anger at parents, peers or siblings.
Children's reactions to divorce and separation vary, depending on:
- the amount of involvement with the nonresidential parent;
- the situation before the divorce or separation;
- the residential parent's ease in adjusting to the divorce;
- parenting skills of both parents, agreement on child rearing and discipline;
- approval and love from both parents;
- openness to discussing the divorce with parents;
- degree of conflict between parents;
- economic hardship;
- other added stressors (moving, changing schools, parental remarriage).
What causes stress for children of divorced parents?
1. Change.
One of the biggest fears for children is change. With divorce, changes occur in many household responsibilities. Children may have to adjust to new schedules, mealtime and bedtime routines. They may no longer have contact with some friends and family members (such as grandparents).
2. Loss of attachment.
Children become attached to parents, brothers, sisters and pets. Change in the amount of contact that occurs with any of these relationships can cause some distress. In addition, a new home or loss of familiar objects  also creates stress.
3. Fear of abandon-ment. Children fear that if they have lost one parent, they may lose the other. They may blame themselves, feel unlovable and not feel safe. They worry about who will take care of them and even who will pick them up from child care or from school.
4. Hostility between parents.
Arguments and tension between parents may make children feel guilty, angry and alone. Trying to make the children take sides or turn against the other parent creates confusion for the children and places them in the middle of an adult struggle.
Strategies for Parents
Books
If a child reads about characters in a book experiencing the same feelings he or she is experiencing, then the child will not feel so alone. By reading stories together, you can help your child feel safe and close. After completing a story, find ways to open conversation. Allow the child to share thoughts. Often children will talk about characters, not themselves. At some point the emphasis shifts from the book to the child's shared experience. Parents and children can also share feelings by looking at family photographs and videotapes.
Play
Particularly for young children, play is the primary means of expressing feelings. Sometimes parents can tell how children are feeling by watching their play or playing with them. Take care not to impose your opinions on the child's feelings during play. Some play items that help elicit feelings include sand, water, painting, finger paints, drawing, play dough and puppets.
- Talking. Sometimes parents have a hard time picking the right words to discuss sensitive issues with children. Here are some conversation starters to help you describe what is happening:
- A separation is when parents live apart and figure out what to do about their marriage.
- A separation is a hard thing to talk about. It is not always easy telling people that your mom and dad are not living together anymore.
- We are not alone. We have other friends and family, too.
- Sometimes kids feel caught in the middle during a separation.
- Sometimes things feel so bad that children wish their parents would separate. Sometimes things are better for a family when parents decide to separate.
- My leaving is not connected to loving you. I am leaving because your mother/father and I do not get along. I love you as much as ever, and I always will.
- A divorce is when two people decide they no longer want to be married. They cannot live together happily anymore. They just have different ideas about things.
- One thing never changes. Your mom will always be your mother, and your dad will always be your father. You still have a family when your parents get divorced.
- Kids cannot cause a divorce. They also cannot keep a mom and dad together.
- Being a parent and being a husband or wife are two separate jobs. Divorce, like marriage, is between adults only.
- A judge helps figure out the rules for the divorce. A lawyer works with the parents and the judge to write up a paper about visiting and caring for children.
- It is often best to avoid saying, "Daddy and Mommy don't love one another anymore." Children often hear that they are loved. If parents talk about not loving each other anymore, a child may fear that she will also lose the parents' love if she misbehaves.
How Long Should the Adjustment Take?
In this fast-paced world, we often get frustrated waiting for things to happen. But going through a transition such as divorce takes time. Studies show that divorce is a source of stress for children and can result in a decline of well-being. On the other hand, some children breeze through with few negative affects, and some actually show improvement following divorce.
There are mixed and inconsistent results comparing children's adjustment by age, but most counselors say that children who cope best with divorce are those who, after divorce, continue to have a stable, loving relationship with both parents and regular, dependable visits from the nonresidential parent.
Is There Hope?
Recovery from divorce depends upon whether you concentrate on strengths or weaknesses. If parents display consistent anger and stay stuck in harmful patterns, kids will suffer from that behavior. If parents show realistic concern for the challenges of divorce while also moving toward a hopeful, restructured future, children will benefit.
RESOURCES FOR DIVORCED FAMILIES
Single Parents
Parents Without Partners (PWP), 401 North Michigan Avenue, Chicago, IL 60611 (312/644-6610). Provides free referrals to local PWP chapters, which offer social/educational opportunities.
National Organization of Single Mothers, P.O. Box 68, Midland, NC 28107 (704/888-5437). Provides free advice on how to start support groups and offers referrals to other single parents. Publishes Single Mother magazine.
National Congress for Men and Children (NCMC), P.O. Box 171675, Kansas City, KS 66117 (800/733-3237). Instructs single fathers on custody, child-support, paternity issues. Publishes a manual and quarterly newsletter.
Children's Books on Divorce
For preschoolers and early elementary
All about Divorce, by Mary Blitzer Field, The Center for Applied Psychology, Inc.
Always, Always, by Crescent Dragonwagon, MacMillan.
Annie Stories: A Special Kind of Storytelling, by Judith S. Wallerstein and Doris Brett.
Daddy Doesn't Live Here Anymore, by R. Turaw.
Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide to Changing Families, by Laurene and Marc Brown, Little Brown.
Free to Be ... A Family: A Book About All Kinds of Belongings, by Marlo Thomas, Bantam.
Months of Sundays, by R. Blue, Franklin Wafts, Inc.
Why Are We Getting a Divorce? by Peter Mayle, Crown Publishing.
For adolescent and early teens
Angel Face, by Norma Klein, Viking. For ages 12+. From a boy's point of view.
The Divorce Express, by Paula Danziger, Delacorte. For ages 12+. From a girl's point of view.
Free to Be ... A Family: A Book About All Kinds of Belongings, by Marlo Thomas, Bantam.
How It Feels When Parents Divorce, by Jill Krementz, Knopf.
How to Get It Together When Your Parents Are Coming Apart, by A.K. Richards and I. Willis.
It's Not the End of the World, by Judy Blume, MacMillan.
What's Going to Happen to Me? When Parents Separate or Divorce, by Eda LeShan, Four Winds.
Parent's Books on Children and Divorce
Garrity, C. B. and Baris, M. A. (1994) Caught in the middle: Protecting the children of high-conflict divorce. New York: Lexington Books.
Wallerstein, J. S. and Kelly, J. B. (1980) Surviving the breakup: How children and parents cope with divorce. New York: Basic Books.
Grollman, E. A. (Ed.). (1969). Explaining divorce to children. Boston: Beacon Press.
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